


I know you

by freshtrash



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, I will add more tags later, Lowercase, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Rated T for swearing, Sappy, im bad at tagging, still probably a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26566270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freshtrash/pseuds/freshtrash
Summary: I walked with you once upon a dream.benrey was never part of the code. he always just spectated the events from outside the boundaries of the locations.but this time was different.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, background boomer - Relationship
Comments: 49
Kudos: 177





	1. that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam

**Author's Note:**

> 3rd fic and suddenly not a one shot idk man  
> there will probably be TW mentions of blood, but nothing graphic  
> anyway this time I promise they'll get their happy ending, something I fail to do everytime :))))  
> I got inspired by the animatic called once upon a dream by jenniffer cobos on youtube, go check that out  
> anyway idk what else to say

benrey felt himself falling into the cold abyss after the last game ended. he felt his every atom being erased again and again. he closed his eyes with a sigh and counted to three.  
when he opened them, he was standing in one of the corridors of black mesa.

as usual.

benrey leaned against the wall, shooting a glance at his somewhat human form. yup. still the same. then he heard quick steps down the hall and-  
wait what?  
a voice?

he frowned, leaning forward to see what was going on.  
and then he saw _him._

long wavy hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, a nervous smile and freckles spread on his face like stars. 

and his eyes.

benrey inhaled sharply, slamming himself back into the wall. everytime, gordon freeman looked exactly the same, holding himself straight, hands at his sides, not expressing a single emotion. he didn't speak and only looked ahead, paying no attention to anyone.  
he never noticed benrey. and sometimes even killed in cold blood all who stood in his way.

but this one was different.

benrey was pulled out of his thoughts by that voice he just heard.

"howdy! hey!"

did he just say hey to him?  
the guard stared at gordon, watching his every move. gordon walked past him, wringing his hands.

a spark of interest lit up inside benrey. he took a step towards gordon, another, and started following him, trying to catch up.  
and gordon turned around.

***

this isn't what was supposed to happen.

benrey was never part of the code. he always just spectated the events from outside the boundaries of the locations.  
but this time was different.  
benrey watched as a couple of scientists started talking to gordon. on their own accord. 

something was wrong.

and now, after the resonance cascade, he was walking with gordon and three scientists.  
the guard glanced at gordon, muttering a stupid joke under his breath.  
and gordon gave a little laugh, stopping dead in his tracks for a second.

benrey's brain shutdown. something inside him clenched, and sweet voice bubbled in his chest.  
he immediately looked down at the floor, clenching his hands into fists.

benrey liked making gordon laugh.

so, raising his head and putting on a smirk, he let another joke slip from his mouth. gordon chuckled, adjusting his glasses. a smile crept up on the guard's face.

this gordon benrey liked much more than the usual ones.

***

he was always so full of emotion. he was angry, he was afraid, he laughed and he cried. but with benrey, he was mostly annoyed or even angry. benrey liked making him feel.  
even though some kind of strange pain spread through his body everytime gordon was mad at him.

he wasn't interested in the scientists, the plot or the mesa itself.  
his eyes were always focused on gordon.

and when their eyes met, benrey couldn't keep the sweet voice inside, quickly turning away.

something was definitely wrong.

but for now, they were outside of black mesa. the moonlight was licking at benrey's outstretched arm. he sat far away from his frien- from the science team. benrey hummed softly, spheres of sweet voice dancing in the air, mingling and surrounding him.

"benrey?"

the guard immediately shut up, turning to the sound.  
gordon.

benrey felt like he had just been zapped, electricity coursing through his veins.

gordon, meanwhile, stared at the thousands of flying orbs as he sat down next to benrey.

they were both mesmerized.  
gordon, with his mouth slightly open, watched the spheres fly high up in the air.  
benrey on the other hand was gazing at gordon, still singing softly.  
gazing at the way the spheres illuminated him, fading from one hue to another, the way gordon giggled when one of them hit him in the face, wiping the colour away.

"whoa. this is amazing man!" gordon turned to look at benrey, smiling like a big idiot.

the guard's breath hitched. he couldn't help but grin back. nothing was more beautiful than the smiling man next to him at that moment.

he dared to look into gordon's sparkling eyes and regretted it instantly. they were green.  
green like life and new beginnings, green like big fields and sunny forests.

green like hope.

"benrey? hello? earth to benrey?"

benrey flinched, almost falling on his back, looking away, so embarrassed he could probably explode right here and right now. he heard a quiet snicker.

"so are you coming to sleep or? wait do you even sleep? I've never seen y-"

"uh why are you not asleep too huh. friend."

nailed it.

gordon's face shifted slightly. uh oh.

"well.. shit man.. um.. I was too anxious to fall asleep. so I decided to take a walk around here." gordon let out a nervous laugh. "and then I saw you sitting h- hold on, you never answered _my_ question!"

"i don't have to. private information bro. classified."

maybe it was because gordon was too tired or because benrey had gone insane, but gordon actually chuckled at benrey's words, leaning a bit closer.  
benrey felt something warm spread inside him.

and then the realization hit him like a truck.  
oh.  
_ohhh._

he was screwed.

***

this was wrong.  
this was never supposed to happen.  
how the hell did he even manage to do that?

benrey hit his head against a wall with a loud thud, growling quietly. 

snap out of it.  
right now.  
right fucking now.

benrey was so angry. so angry at gordon, so angry at himself, so angry at this fucking game.  
he was sitting in one of the scientists' offices that got blocked off after the resonance cascade. a thought slipped inside his mind that maybe gordon was looking for him, worried. benrey strangled that thought in an instant.

he still felt his heart beat just a little bit faster.

he bared his teeth, slamming his fist on the blood covered table. benrey's eyes scanned the room, noticing a few stacked chairs, a closet and a whole bunch of unused equipment.

perfect.

he got up, walked up to the chairs and kicked them hard. he clawed at the walls until they were falling apart. he tossed the equipment out of its case, breaking it apart to useless scrap. he trashed the room, screaming and screaming with anger and pain until there was nothing left. he was so blinded with rage and the urge to _destroy_ he didn't feel tears forming in his eyes.  
and then benrey, wide eyed, felt himself trip over the chairs he kicked, falling down to the floor. his jaw clenched as he dug his claws into the ground. fuck this place. fuck this stupid game. he wanted to burn this goddamn place down till only ashes remained.

but he began shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, instead.

god.  
he fucked up big time, hasn't he?

and now there he was, lying in a destroyed room, his tears mixing with blood as he shut his eyes and let himself scream.

good job, benrey.  
good job.


	2. tell me we're okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tell me we're alright.
> 
> gordon was neither blind, nor stupid. he noticed each and every time benrey took a step towards him and immediately flinched backwards, pain in his eyes. its not like gordon shoved a gun in his face all the time. he didn't know what was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to be clear, this is BEFORE gordon gets his arm cut off. we'll reach that eventually :)  
> well this is is the LONGEST thing I have ever written  
> I couldn't split this up logically so I guess here you go??  
> anyway I don't particularly like this one, but hey maybe its good enough :)  
> less emotional turmoil, more nervous wrecks  
> enjoy fhdjhf

gordon was neither blind, nor stupid. he noticed each and every time benrey took a step towards him and immediately flinched backwards, pain in his eyes. its not like gordon shoved a gun in his face all the time. he didn't know what was going on.

he was getting worried.  
wait hold on no no no. he wasn't worried about this annoying guy. nope. not even a bit.

he could still shoot him concerned glances from across the room, right? yeah. yeah not worried about him in the slightest.

gordon shook his head, trying to get rid of all those pesky thoughts. like yeah maybe the guy was kind of attractive (objectively), and maybe he was really funny and gordon couldn't help but laugh whenever benrey did (its just a reflex), and maybe he had a beautiful voice (from a scientific standpoint) and just maybe gordon could get lost in his eyes every now and then and-

gordon felt himself suddenly lose ground, before something caught him and dragged him back up.  
did he- did he just walk into a goddamn pit??

"what the hell were you thinking?!" bubby sounded like he was about to blow a fuse. which was probably not too far off from the truth.  
gordon retracted his statement about not being blind and stupid.

"I'm so sorry guys I was.. uh.."  
how the fuck was he gonna explain what made him get so lost in thought he almost killed himself?? gordon's eyes scanned the area, stopping on benrey, who was apparently sitting right beside gordon, panting slightly.  
huh?

"mr freeman are you,, are you okay??" tommy rushed up to gordon, helping him stand up. god, tommy was a blessing. "you almost fell down to the,, to the center of the earth! thank god benrey caught you!"

gordon didn't quite catch that at first, but when he did he felt his knees give out. his eyes shot to benrey in an instant.  
the guard was now standing up again, looking at anything but gordon. 

benrey saved him.

and just like that gordon's breath got stuck in his throat. it felt as if time has stopped.  
why would he save him? this doesn't make any sense. maybe its his job as a security guard? yeah no. never stopped him before. so what the hell was that?

did benrey care about him?

bubby stopped his train of thought with a flick against his head. gordon winced from the pain but he was somewhat grateful. his brain would be the end of him.

"I'm not gonna let the guy that leads us off himself. I wanna go home, asshole."  
ah yes. classic bubby.

as gordon started to move again, he gazed at benrey once more. he didn't know what screamed the definition of longing more: the look in benrey's eyes or how gordon couldn't look away.

***

welp. everyone was asleep and gordon couldn't close his eyes. he sat up, putting on his glasses. tommy was sleeping peacefully, smiling a little. maybe he was having a good dream.  
the same can't be said about bubby. he was squirming around, hissing and mumbling something under his breath. gordon noticed he looked.. scared? gordon has never seen him this terrified before. he considered waking him up for a moment, before noticing dr coomer frown in his sleep and scoot closer to bubby. bubby let out a few more threats and finally relaxed in coomer's arms.  
awww. what was gordon doing again?

right. nothing.

and benrey was nowhere to be seen as well. gordon didn't know why he always seeked benrey first. that's something he'll think about later. 

he noticed a small smudge of colour on the wall. leaning to the right to see the corridor better he saw another and another and another. this was too easy.  
almost looks like he wanted gordon to find him.

gordon felt his heart do a backflip at that thought. 

***

gordon was now in front of a blocked off office. is benrey inside? a better question is how did he get inside? he stood there for about 5 or 30 minutes, mustering up the courage to say something or at least knock.

"I know you're there. just uh come in."

gordon nearly flinched at the sudden voice, but what else did he expect? 

"benrey. benrey- you do know it's blocked off, right?" 

"wuh? oh right lil loser can't even noclip"  
benrey's hand slowly stuck out of the wall. gordon stared at it, unsure what to do. 

"what's the fuckinnn uh holdup bro. gayman doesn't wanna hold hands? crin-" gordon took his hand, rolling his eyes. benrey shut up the moment it happened. huh.  
he should've tried this sooner. he decided to keep quiet about the fact that he himself had inhaled sharply, looking down at the ground.

and then he was pulled in.  
oh god. oh fuck. he felt like he was about to throw up. everything was spinning around him. his organs were probably being flipped at this very moment.  
while he was entertaining the idea of lying down and dying, he felt the dizziness stop. then he felt a warm sensation on his cheek. and hands holding him. so he just leaned into them, pressing his head into someone's shoulder.

"this wasn't supposed to happen, what the fuck, what the fuck-"

that someone sounded really worried. and nice. they had a sweet voice. a.. sweet voice..

oh god.

gordon stumbled backwards, tripping over himself and losing balance. benrey caught him yet again, yanking gordon back into his arms, holding him close.

"what the hell bro?? I'm trying to fucking help you you- you stumbleman???" benrey didn't let go, making electricity lance through gordon's poor heart. he couldn't form a single word, let alone an adequate sentence. that was a fucking wild ride.

and benrey still didn't let go.

***

"so what the fuck was that, man?"

about 10 minutes had now passed since the "accident", and they were both sitting in complete silence, looking at the walls and the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"I dunno what went wrong. this uh this usually works out fine. unless-" benrey's eyes widened as he spaced out even more.

"unless?"

"uh private information?" the guard blinked and snapped back into his smug facade, making gordon sigh. this fucking guy.

"your "private information" almost got me fucking- you know what? no, it doesn't concern me- it doesn't concern me in the slightest." 

if benrey was gonna act like a middle schooler, gordon was too. he's gonna step up his game of being a goddamn child. that'll show him.

benrey spun around in some dead scientist's chair to face gordon.  
_oh the game was on._

"your lil bitch boy body can't handle the noclipping huh? bro?"

"weh weh weh can't hear you."

gordon was gonna win this once and for all. no backing down now. and he certainly won't get distracted by benrey's grin growing wider, eyes sparkling. not a chance.

"ooh babyman wants to fight?" benrey stood up, looming over gordon. 

"bAbYmAn wAnTs to FiGht MeH MeH" gordon jumped up as well, somehow managing to stare him right in the eyes. 

that was a bad idea.

"let's have a dance off then. friend. the winner is the alpha gamer."  
that was a _really_ bad idea.

"you're on."

why the fuck did he agree to that?? but it was too late. the guard was already rummaging through the scientist's stuff, exclaiming a little "aha!", when he pulled out a..

"a gramophone? how old _is_ this place?" gordon said, taking a closer look at the record player.

"older than you uh gordon smallman."

the physicist couldn't help but giggle, turning his head to benrey. who looked at gordon like he was the most beautiful thing on planet earth.

yep okay back to looking at the record player, which now somehow had a vinyl in it already??

and then the music started playing.  
oh my god.

"no way. no fucking way!" 

he heard benrey chuckle, as the opening of the "dancing queen" filled the room. gordon was practically beaming as he spun around yet again.

and then he extended his hand to benrey.  
now it was the guard's turn to hesitate. and gordon took the opportunity.

"something's wrong man? oh well I guess I win theEEN-" he didn't get to finish his sentence because he was pulled in _again_ (god, what's with all this pulling it, twisting it, bopping it-) and immediately got spun around. he wheezed with laughter. he heard benrey start losing it as well. 

their feet tapped the rhythm of their hearts as they circled around each other.

it has always been this way.  
glances, smiles, sinking hearts, glances, glances, glances  
of unadulterated adoration.

gordon felt drunk.

their eyes were focused only on each other.  
nothing else existed.  
just swift movements and a tight feeling in their chests that made them see stars. they always found a way to touch, even briefly.  
their hands were as pliable as jelly and their ribs hurt so so much from roaring with laughter. 

gordon didn't want to stop, never wanted to stop, even when he felt he was gonna suffocate. nothing was better than this.  
nothing was better than looking at benrey throw his head back and laugh his ass off, coughing up orbs of sweet voice, as gordon whirled him around the room. 

the song was going to end soon and gordon felt himself being dipped, benrey losing balance, letting out a "whOUh", and almost falling to the floor. that just made him burst out in laughter even more, shifting his gaze to look into benrey's eyes.  
gordon and benrey were both out of breath, still giggling slightly. benrey's black short hair was now sticking out from under his helmet, his pupils dilated, and he was shaking, more spheres slipping out of his mouth with every exhale.

and gordon could look at him forever. and he loved him with every inch of his being.

***

benrey noclipped gordon out of the room, making sure to heal him quickly with the sweet voice. he watched the physicist stagger back to the science team, holding the part of the HEV suit where his lungs were supposed to be, yawning and chuckling to himself. 

benrey wanted to be mad at himself, wanted to shake himself out of it, wanted to yell "this is never going to work, dumbass!"

but he couldn't.

not here. not right now. 

not when he felt so human. not when he loved him.

***

this was the last time gordon was truly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sometimes selfcare is dancing with your eldritch crush to oldies, laughing  
> and gordon is sure as hell in need of it  
> also strong benrey rights  
> I see "benrey has no idea how to dance because he's an alien" and I raise you "benrey has seen coomer and bubby slow dance and now thinks that thats all there is to dancing"


	3. lay me in my casket tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cause we're already dying inside.
> 
> he would get his way because he was a glitch, a god, something that the game couldn't comprehend. and gods don't have consequences. do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo this took a long time because I've just been really demotivated I'm really sorry  
> but anyway  
> probably short? probably not good? but I needed to write it or I'd explode. more plot, less pining  
> I honestly have no idea where I'm going with this fic but hey  
> I'll figure it out eventually :))))))  
> I'm also really sleepy so sorry for any mistakes

it became their little secret. they met up in offices and on roofs, in elevators and caved in shafts, always leaving a trail for each other to follow.  
gordon didn't know why he would go after benrey everytime. he could sleep just fine, but he didn't even try to close his eyes. and when he heard the sweet voice in the distance, popping against the walls, he would smile to himself.

other times gordon would wander through endless corridors to clear his head. he had a lot to think about after all. but all his thoughts ended in a familiar toothy grin and tired eyes.  
after a while of walking and trying to think about anything but benrey, gordon decided he should go back. it was dangerous walking alone. and then he heard a sound. a bad sound. a sound like wood splintering.  
the physicist pulled out a pistol, looking around, mumbling curses under his breath. while he was contemplating on running or shooting blindly, a shadow stuck out of the wall, making gordon's soul exit his body.

"gotcha."

gordon almost started running, but he recognized the voice, stopping dead in his tracks.

"jesus fucking- benrey??"

a chaotic cackle echoed through the dark passageway. gordon was too scared to notice his breath catching. 

"don't scare me like that! you're gonna give me a heart attack-"

benrey, now completely inbounds, was still laughing. they were both laughing so much with each other lately. benrey was still annoying, but gordon couldn't help but melt everytime he saw the guard's smirk. benrey became more.. tolerable in gordon's mind. nevermind the fact that he was falling for him and falling _fast_. 

"so whatcha doin here bro? you allowed to be here?"

"what, gonna ask for my passport? are _you_ allowed to be here?"

everytime gordon would actually go along with benrey's bullshit, the guard's face would light up. and gordon wanted to see it more. maybe put his hand on benrey's cheek and- wait. nope. not gonna dive into that today.

"of course I'm allowed to be here. I'm the security guard. I uh secure the area from the likes of you."

"the likes of me? wh- huh??"

benrey's usual banter felt less antagonistic now. maybe it was because gordon was finally getting used to it. or maybe because there was a spark in benrey's eyes when he did it, which gordon just couldn't get out of his head.

it didn't matter.

he was having at least some amount of fun and he didn't feel so alone anymore. maybe things were really going to be fine.

***

they poked fun at each other some more, now walking to wherever the corridor would take them. benrey didn't know why he couldn't just get away from gordon. but he needed to. he knew how this was going to end. 

distance yourself.  
don't get any closer.

this is just going to hurt.

but he still followed him. deep down he knew the reason why he always walked beside him. the reason he took every chance to be with him.  
the reason he had to stop.

but watching gordon wave his hands around, rambling about whatever came to his mind, looking at benrey the way he did, made benrey yearn for more. for more of his smile. more of his laughter. more of his eyes, impossibly green, impossibly human.  
just a little more time with him can't hurt.

and then he felt something else too. everything around him suddenly swirled and coloured blue, which made his blood turn to ice. 

"uh you okay? friend?" benrey instinctively faced gordon, grin fading. "bro? buddy?"

no answer.

"interesting.." benrey felt someone, no, something slither close behind him.  
ah.  
he knew what it was.

benrey spun around to glare at g-man, who was staring right back at him. benrey tried to look nonchalant. he tried to look scary. he tried to look like anything but what he actually felt.

"ben..rey.. is it not..?" g-man fixed his tie, looking enigmatic as always, but benrey could see that he was just as uneasy as the guard was. "I've come.. to speak to you, if you're not.." he glanced at gordon. "busy."

benrey took a few steps forward, shielding gordon the best he could. this was going to be unpleasant.

"what do you want."

***

and he was right. their "conversation", which consisted of g-man _insisting_ on making gordon progress faster, lead to nowhere. benrey was just as stubborn, if not more. he would get his way because he was a glitch, a god, something that the game couldn't comprehend. and gods don't have consequences. do they?

after half an hour of arguing back and forth, g-man was starting to leave with a dissatisfied expression on his face, spitting out his last words.

"I am afraid I will need to.. get in contact with my.. employers." he looked at gordon once more, and benrey felt something is wrong wrong _wrong_. "meanwhile.. make sure to get the subject.. moving forward.."

benrey had no choice. 

"wait! wait. please." g-man stopped one last time. "if I get him to progress," benrey choked back a few spheres of sweet voice. "will you promise you aren't going to hurt him? please and thank you?"

g-man gave a chuckle. 

"I see.. you have grown.. quite fond of doctor freeman.. have you not..? this is interesting indeed.."

"I'll uh I'll do everything you've asked. gonna make him progress. so uh so fast. gonna make him step on the gas tonight. gonna take care of everything you need."

benrey saw a door opening, blinding white light filling the corridor. 

"please? please?"

g-man didn't give an answer, stepping into the light. and just like that everything went back to normal. benrey was trembling.

"so I thought about it and- benrey?"

the guard clenched his fists and started walking forward, turning his back on gordon. he didn't need to see benrey's shaking lips.

"we need to go back."

"what? hey, wait, man-"

so what if gordon's worried tone felt like a knife going through benrey's chest? so what if gordon's arm on his shoulder felt like burning hot iron? so what if all benrey wanted was to cling to gordon right now and never let go?

"go back. now."

benrey felt gordon stumble backwards a little, surprised by the sudden coldness radiating from the guard. but all benrey could do was go forward, knowing gordon would follow him.

he always followed him.

and if that thought made it harder to breathe, benrey didn't admit it.


	4. something's bad about to happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dont know it but I feel it coming
> 
> gordon can't be here. he shouldn't be here. he should go to sleep and progress.  
> but that room is too close. and benrey can't let go yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhmmmm hello HFJSJD  
> first of all you can snatch italics from my dead cold hands I am NOT gonna stop using them anytime soon  
> second of all ummm took me long enough  
> no motivation whatsoever but I managed to write this for you :)  
> sorry if its not that good  
> less plot, more poetry  
> can you tell I'm in love with dancing  
> sorry for any mistakes

benrey started disappearing at night. gordon always tried to seek him out, checking every closed off office, inspecting the walls for any, _any_ sign of benrey. but there was nothing. he tried to always keep his eyes on the guard (gordon couldn't stop looking at him anyway), but benrey would disappear in a blink of an eye.

did he..  
did gordon do something wrong?

he recalled their usual banter, their long walks, long conversations, jokes and laughter, their _dance._ his heart pounded harder at that thought as gordon let out the breath he was apparently holding. right. okay. you'll figure this out, gordon.

the science team still wasn't asleep, settling down in some kind of room. they weren't sure it was safe, but they all needed a rest. except dr coomer who was just as energetic as ever.  
and benrey was sitting there, looking at the ground. he seemed fidgety, but still kept his nonchalant appearance. even so, gordon could notice him picking at his fingers. he sat down next to benrey, brushing his arm against the guard's. benrey didn't flinch, but gordon noticed his eyes widen slightly, pupils darting left and right. gordon was always awkward with emotions, so he hoped his presence alone would be just a little bit of a comfort.  
and with that thought he felt himself drift off.

***

he was awoken by someone getting up and making him sit up against the wall. the touch was gentle, like picking up a withered rose, trying not to let the pellets fall. wait a second. did his head fall on benrey's shoulder while he was sleeping? his face would've turned red already, but he needed to get a grip on himself. benrey was leaving. benrey was going somewhere. and gordon needed to know where.  
so he let himself be maneuvered against the wall, keeping his eyes closed. he felt benrey standing in front of him. but he wasn't moving. what was he doing?

and then he felt benrey touch his glasses, fixing them almost reverently. gordon couldn't keep his breath inside, exhaling all at once. oh shit.  
benrey stilled, hands still lingering near his head. after half a minute of silence and gordon's panicked thoughts, he continued, making gordon thank the gods he didn't believe in.  
finally, benrey's hands started pulling back. gordon relaxed again and began coming up with a plan to follow benrey somehow. benrey usually just walked around, right? but the guy had reality breaking powers, he could probably hear gordon getting up. so what was his course of action h-

a hand pressed into his cheek, pulling gordon out of his mind in an instant. gordon's heart felt like it was set on fire. it felt like heaven and hell combined. gordon wanted to lean into it so bad. but he couldn't. he didn't know if it felt so good because he has been so touch starved since the whole resonance cascade happened or because it was _benrey._ gordon didn't want to think about it now, basking in the soft touch. benrey's fingers caressed his skin, touch feeling like sunshine rays warming him, even though his fingers were cold. it felt like stars exploding, galaxies shattering in that tender touch, making him fall apart and making him whole. and it felt better, so much better, than anything else in the world. 

and then the hand jolted back, as benrey stood up. gordon almost caught it with his own, but stopped himself just before he could react. god, he was in too deep. 

and when he heard boots tapping against the floor, the sound getting quiter and quiter, he dared to open his eyes. benrey was gone.

***

what the fuck was wrong with him.

but he just couldn't help it, could he?

benrey passed through another doorway, ending up in a room with some sort of water meters on the wall. he didn't wander off too far away, now without a trail back. they were getting awfully close to _that_ damn room. he didn't care before, not with other gordons. they always turned out fine in the end. but this time. he felt something wrong. and he was terrified.  
what the hell was he even thinking. he was pretty sure distancing yourself didn't include stroking the face of the object of your affections when they were asleep. god fucking dammit.  
and gordon looked so peaceful too, sighing when benrey put his hand on his cheek. and he was so _warm._

he touched others before. he greeted josh and jefferem with a fist bump, he hugged tommy. they were all so cold. freezing.  
but when he danced with gordon, he felt so warm. everything about him was so so warm.  
the orange of his HEV suit, the brownish freckles, the looks he was giving benrey. 

benrey wanted to feel that warmth one last time.

he was home. his home. xen was just a stupid location, a bunch of code shoved into benrey's head.  
but gordon? gordon was real, gordon was warm and gordon was _home._

"there you are."

the guard nearly jumped, startled by the voice he was now so familiar with.  
oh no.

"I was looking for you all over, man." after a pause gordon opened his mouth again, but benrey cut him off.

"why do you even try uh finding me? stalking me? little gay boy?"

gordon let out a snicker, looking around. gordon can't be here. he shouldn't be here. he should go to sleep and progress.  
but that room is too close. and benrey can't let go yet.

"ignoring that. so what exactly are you doing here?"

benrey didn't know how to asnwer. what _was_ he doing? so he stayed silent.  
and they both stayed silent.

but even so, it wasn't awkward. it was peaceful. calming. like the calm water before the storm. and benrey 's stupid heart made the decision for him.

he grabbed gordon's arm. the physicist shifted his gaze to benrey, question in his eyes.

"dance? for benrey?"

a gooey kind of feeling spread through gordon's body as he smiled and ached.  
he couldn't say no even if he was held at gunpoint.

***

this time it felt different.  
there was no music playing, only soft hums heard from the guard. no childish fighting, no need to prove something. only them. always them.

they were like the sunset. blue mixing with orange, benrey slow dancing with gordon as they intertwined fingers.  
and they were like the sunrise, gordon twisting benrey around the room, both getting dizzy and choking on air as they laughed.

but it felt oh so different.  
an unspoken feeling they both shared hung heavy in the air. they didn't mind.  
and they didn't need music. they didn't need anything. just this room, just this moment, just each other.  
hands touching hands, eyes meeting eyes.

and then gordon noticed what was so different. it felt bittersweet. it felt like benrey was looking at him like it was the last time he would ever see him again. it felt like benrey was pressing himself closer like he was chasing something out of his reach.

the two of them were dancing on the edge of a cliff. pieces of stone would fall down whenever one stepped closer to the abyss. and the other led them away, circling around them.  
they would both fall eventually. but they didn't care.

they always danced around each other. asking for passports, fighting, laughing, joking. loving. is it not what you call a dance? 

and when benrey asked:

"stay? for benny boi?"

"benrey?"

when benrey clung to him even tighter, pressing his head into gordon's neck, trying not to let sweet voice slip past his mouth.

" _please?_ "

could gordon ever refuse?

***

well.  
here they were.  
they had to go along with the plot. benrey gave bubby an idea. and of course bubby clung onto it in an instant.  
and now both of them were standing right beside the room, trying to lure gordon in. 

the soldiers would only beat him up, right?

_right?_


	5. I'll let it burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> benrey realised something was off when he heard a knife being pulled out. a knife was never involved. and when he heard bubby screaming that this wasn't part of the plan, he felt his heart sink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh hi guys tfhjd  
> been a while, writer's block isnt fun  
> but I tried to write this because it's been too long  
> I'm sorry oof  
> TW implied amputation and mention of blood, nothing graphic  
> a lot of swearing in this one, because emotion  
> I hope the chapter turned out okay, enjoy!

wrong.

benrey realised something was off when he heard a knife being pulled out. a knife was never involved. and when he heard bubby screaming that this wasn't part of the plan, he felt his heart sink. his mind blue screened. benrey just kept on saying words that didn't make sense. he tried to take a step closer. he couldn't see shit in the darkness.  
but a hand pulled him back instantly. what the fuck was going on? benrey tried to see something, anything, spinning in place. gordon's grunts came to a stop with a single shriek that echoed through the whole facility and through the entirety of benrey's being. he felt like he was shot. he pushed the hand away, digging claws into himself, trying to find gordon. a million thoughts swirled into one, making benrey shake his head as the claws dug tighter.

and the lights went back on again.

the sight he was greeted with made the guard freeze in place. he felt like an axe just went through his insides, splitting him in half. distant yelling and punching didn't register. nothing registered.  
only static in his ears and the image that would be burned into his brain forever.

and then it hit him all at once.

time either slowed down or sped up to infinity.

blood slowly spreading on the floor, seeping into cracks. broken glasses and unnaturally bent limbs. three limbs.

oh god.

benrey ran up to gordon, dropping onto his knees beside him and pressing his unconscious body into his, as he tried to use his heal beam, hoping, _praying_ it would work.  
it didn't.  
he tried more and more until his voice was hoarse, until the room was nothing but spheres, until he felt his voice break and nothing was coming out of his mouth except strangled wheezes.  
and he still tried again and again and again.

what the fuck has he done.

something was said to him, but he could only hear blasting static and his own strained coughs. please. please. please. please. please. please. please. please. please. please. please. please.

everything was out of focus except for that familiar face. that bruised, bloody face. benrey pressed himself even closer, rocking back and forth.

and then his feelings melted into something he knew very well. benrey clenched his jaw hard, his fists shaking. his insides were set aflame, fire swallowing everything benrey was. every part of his consciousness, every cell of his body, every inch of his being flooded with pure fire.  
with pure burning _hate._

his human form began to rip apart as he slowly stood up and turned around. the soldiers. who hurt gordon.  
benrey let out a quiet growl, smoke coming out of his mouth, which grew into a shout, white noise in his ears intensifying, threatening to destroy him inside out. and then it grew into something indescribable as fire consumed the room, the flames rising to the sky. 

***

benrey remembered little of what happened after that. he searched every little location, every little corner until he found gman. gman was startled, usual emotionless face shifting, but it didn't matter. benrey could kill him right here and right now, crimson red spilling from his mouth as he felt his claws blacken.

"I did every fucking thing you've asked."

he couldn't stop himself from taking a step closer to gman, hands itching to tear him apart. the entity tried to keep his composure, but benrey saw his fingers grip onto the suitcase. good. he should be fucking scared.

"how did you.. well, I.. I never promisssed.. anything, did I?"

this fucker. this _fucker._

benrey leapt to dig his sharp claws into gman's neck, not quite breaking skin. gman stumbled backwards, now clearly not caring about his appearance. benrey's mind was too clouded to care, but a primal satisfaction spread through him at that thought.

"take this as a fucking warning. try to hurt him again and I'll strangle you with your own tie."

he let go, hesitating for a moment, and started walking towards the wall to noclip out of here. he didn't need to see gman's face to sense the fear filling the room. benrey's lips twisted in a crooked smile. and with that, he noclipped out of gman's realm.

***

he didnt know how much time has passed. benrey was kneeling, gordon in his arms, choking out the last bits of teal. it didn't work. of course it didn't. the room was pitch black, fire still lingering here and there. the sweet voice only managed to stop the bleeding for a while.  
he protected gordon from the flames. it couldn't have been any other way. and now he was stroking his face with his hand, wiping away the dark blood. it was the last time he could.

"I love you."

benrey couldn't keep it inside anymore.

"I love you I love you I love you I- I-" 

the feelings he tried to suppress so hard flooded back. he wasn't afraid he'd drown in them. that already happened a long time ago.

"I love you."

it hurt.  
just as he thought.  
nothing but hurt in the end.

he couldn't let go and he paid the price. this game has a sick sense of humor.  
benrey let out a strained chuckle.

even now gordon was so warm. made benrey remember a stupid song tommy sang sometimes. he would sing it to the guard to make him feel better. 

so benrey opened his mouth and began to sing, adjusting his torn vocal cords.

_you are my sunshine  
my only sunshine_

he really was like sunshine. soft brownish locks, gray strands already appearing, freckles, which benrey traced along with his fingers. pale face. short breaths.  
closed eyes. no more green.

no more hope.

this was just cruel. 

_you make me happy  
when skies are gray  
you'll never know, dear_

"how much I.. love you"

benrey remembered his smile, his laugh. how it felt being in his arms. how he _loved_ him.  
and now it's all gone.  
benrey's throat ached as he choked on the overwhelming feeling of piercing pain. but he couldn't stop.  
the way they danced, gordon's hair getting disheveled, draping over his face as he laughed. his kind, loving eyes, as they swayed to the sound of sweet voice. god. _god._  
it hurt so fucking much.

benrey felt his voice waver, spheres of blue sweet voice slipping through. his song was now reduced to shaky whispering, tears dropping onto gordon's cheek. benrey didn't know he could cry. he pressed his face into gordon's, body trembling with sobs.

"please don't take my sunshine away"


	6. we don't talk about it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and now  
> here they were.  
> fighting with themselves every day, wanting to be closer and wanting to be away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhHHHHHH HI GUYS FHSHFHD  
> writer's block got me fucked up  
> this is really rushed but its been what months?  
> I'm.so sorryyyyy  
> I dont plan on abandoning this, it just takes a really long time to actually write hngng  
> enjoy?? HDHHS

benrey hasn't seen g-man since. his vision was blurred and his imitation of a heart ached. oh, how he wished it would just break already. then it would just lay there, in pieces, and maybe he wouldn't feel anything.  
it would be better than wrecking offices again and again, anger melting into pain, pain melting into anger. he stopped running away, sitting beside gordon and falling asleep as well. he didn't need sleep. but he needed a _rest_ so badly. and if he found himself in gordon's arms when he woke up he would at least try to keep the sweet voice inside. he wriggled out of them every time anyway.

gordon hated him. gordon despised him. the green in his eyes darkened.  
it was the color of poison ivy. the color of deadly smog.  
and it filled benrey everytime gordon looked at him. benrey wished gordon would look at him the same. just like before. 

but that gleam in his eyes was gone.

little did he know, they both thought back to a better time.

***

gordon was in front of the room, bubby and benrey standing next to the entrance. he didn't trust bubby. he could hear the nudging in his voice, gordon's paranoia coming to life yet again.  
he couldn't see the room clearly and that set off so many red flags.  
but benrey was there. and benrey wasn't looking at him, spouting his usual bullshit.  
gordon trusted benrey.  
at first it came as a shock, as nonsense, but now, after all the time they've spent together, that simple statement made gordon's breath catch. they always left a trail for each other, right?  
so he took a step forward.  
and got hit in the head immediately.

***

benrey was sitting in one of the toxic goo mixers, listening breathlessly. he carried gordon all the way over here, tricking the game into a cutscene which never happened. he killed all those goddamn soldiers.  
and he tricked tommy into being here too. when gordon would wake up he would get help. it's going to be alright. he's going to be alright.  
and when benrey heard gordon talking to tommy, he exhaled the breath he was holding and thunked his head against the metallic wall of the mixer.  
gordon is alive.  
gordon is safe.

who cares if gordon hates him?

***

gordon felt himself hyperventilate thinking about the guard. his heart threatened to beat out of his ribcage, a storm of emotions making his head reel. anger would overflow him even at the mention of that name. benrey was unforgivable.  
_why?_  
he was.  
_you forgave bubby, didn't you?_  
gordon shook his head, jaw clenching. that's because it hurt less. the more gordon lov- got used to benrey, the more it hurt to think about what he had done.

bubby wasn't the one with whom gordon had spent countless nights with. bubby wasn't the one gordon swirled around the room.  
bubby wasn't the one who gordon knew.

gordon knew that benrey would choke on his sweet voice sometimes. gordon knew that benrey would touch him almost reverently. and it hurt much more than anything he has ever felt.  
he thought he knew benrey.

but he didn't, did he.

the benrey he knew wouldn't betray him in cold blood, cackling. the benrey he liked wouldn't hurt gordon.  
but he did.  
the benrey he loved made anger, fear, love and all emotions known to man rip gordon apart. 

and gordon was so mad at himself for feeling that twitch of warmth whenever he thought about him.  
he should hate him.  
he should despise him.

_but he can't._

***

and now  
here they were.  
fighting with themselves every day, wanting to be closer and wanting to be away. their fights went back to being antagonistic, but it was gordon this time. he was too mad at benrey, at himself, at the whole damn world. and if he felt a spear of pain slicing him, when he yelled at benrey, he would just snap harder.  
hurting yourself. hurting others.  
that's the thing they always had in common.

gordon noticed when benrey ended up in his arms at night. he couldn't sleep anymore.  
but he pretended he didn't notice.

his brain was screaming at him to get away and as far as possible, kill, destroy, growl, shove.  
but something inside him made his stare at benrey's tired face. he was the definition of bittersweet. and he was so achingly familiar.  
in the morning, benrey would wake up, they would snarl at each other and fight again. stupid and childish.

but right now, gordon was too weak to let go.

and that's another thing they had in common.

***

they were alone. the science team was asleep and gordon couldn't close his eyes. oh, this was so familiar it hurt.  
he heard benrey shuffle in his corner. don't look.  
don't you dare look.  
you're so close to the exit of the cave, gordon. don't look now.

he heard benrey squirm again and the light hum of sweet voice. don't look.  
he saw dull gray spheres sink to the floor. don't- don't look.  
but he couldn't stop his mind from wandering. tommy didn't need to translate the sweet voice anymore. gordon spent hours watching benrey cough up orbs, laughing. or benrey zoning out as spheres floated out of his half opened mouth. and he saw gray before.

color of rain  
I'm in pain.

and just like that, gordon stumbled on his path to the exit.  
he turned around.  
and his fate was sealed.

gordon sat up, gaze shooting up at benrey. and benrey stared back.  
and gordon felt himself being dragged to hell along with the guard. and he would let him, he would follow him back.  
he always followed him.

benrey's eyes widened as he choked on more gray spheres. green. they were miles apart, but that single look finally made his heart shatter. and oh no, it didn't hurt less. the shards pierced his lungs, twisting.  
and the way gordon's face shifted into real worry when benrey dug claws into himself made it better. made it worse. made it unbearable. the way gordon jumped up, not hesitating for a single second, and grabbed the guard's hands. 

the way he didn't let go.

they would fight. they would tear at each other. but their eternal dance never stopped. they never let go. not for a second.

and now they were breathing heavily and not breathing enough, stuck in this hell. together.  
this strange moment of long forgotten intimacy felt absolutely destructive. 

and benrey wanted nothing more than to kiss him. 

gordon felt a clawed hand untagle from his own. he couldn't tear his eyes away from benrey's. it felt like it would break a law of nature if he looked away.  
the hand reached to cup gordon's face, hesitating. just like before.  
gordon huffed out a trembling breath, feeling like it was punched out of him. he was going insane. everything rushed to his head, threatening to crack his skull.  
but he could only lean in slightly, before jerking his head back. it was too much. too vulnerable, too close. his thoughts swirled around his brain like a hurricane, making him want to tear his hair out.  
benrey's hand lingered in the air for a moment. it twitched to chase gordon's warmth, search for that lost embrace. but he lowered it back down.

and gordon was still holding his other hand.

benrey noticed gordon's panicked expression. oh no. he started to pull his hands away, but gordon only grabbed them firmer. he would never say it, but benrey understood. he always did.

_stay._

the gray orbs mixed with blue ones, surrounding gordon. the smell of blueberry. blue. just like benrey. he was so, so blue. dark, like the deep ocean. vibrant, but calm. the color gordon started noticing more and more in those old walls, in the sky. wherever he looked he saw blue. and it all blended into those sharp teeth and tired eyes.

the color gordon grew to love.

his shallow breathing deepened again. fingers unclenched. eyes fluttered close as he listened to the soft humming. it wasn't like a siren, luring men closer. it was like a lullaby, safe. calm. it was like comfort.  
benrey was like comfort.  
that statement made gordon's eyes shoot open. benrey was looking at him so fondly, so reverently.  
he got on his nerves, he annoyed him, hated, teased, he _knew about the military._

but  
gordon's thoughts faded completely at the sight.

no matter how hard he tried,  
he couldn't stop loving him.

benrey felt his hand being picked up and lifted once again. his eyes went wide as he watched gordon slowly bring it to his face.  
and lean into the touch.

a shuddering sigh escaped benrey as gordon moved closer, melting into his hand. and when they made eye contact he stopped breathing altogether.

the green felt like home again.

benrey leaned in more, searching for long lost hope in those eyes. he felt gordon's hitching breath on his face. and those impossibly green eyes trailed down to benrey's lips.

it felt only natural.

but they froze just before they could touch.  
it they did  
they wouldn't be able to stop.

and, god, it was the most perfect torture. 

as much as benrey wanted to finally make their lips connect, he saw gordon's hesitation.  
as much as he wanted, he knew what they needed.

he will wait for gordon.  
he always did.

so he nudged gordon's head to the side, planting a single kiss on the cheek. trying to tell him everything he couldn't say through that one lingering kiss.

and gordon understood.

he knew benrey, after all.

_and i know I've kissed you before_  
_but I didn't do it right_  
_can I try again, try again, try again?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gordon's hand is in fact cut off  
> I just didn't mention it yet


	7. waterfalls tearing you apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _what the hell are we doing now?_
> 
> as they approached the portal, benrey's thoughts swarmed into one.  
> there will be no later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drops this and disappears for months again HHDHSHDD  
> I'm really sorry but I can't get myself to write this hnngnh  
> watch me make heat/cold the main theme of this fic HDHSHDHS  
> but here we go  
> hope you enjoy even tho I dont really like it

it burned. when gordon woke up, there was a a mark on his cheek no one could see. that single kiss lit his whole being on fire, ashes of his mind dancing in the wind.  
he didn't understand a damn thing anymore. his vision was hazy and his arms trembled. gordon darted from one side to the other, looking at benrey like he was his best nightmare. his sweetest torture.

and benrey stared back.

gordon caught all his glances and longing looks. caught every muffled hum of sweet voice, every lick of his lips. gordon was never good at self control. but he couldn't, he couldn't, he couldn't.

gordon's mouth spoke before he did. his sleep, food, water and benrey deprived brain was in shambles.  
he could at least get one of those points checked off when the science team arrived at the powerade lakes. gordon's arm whined when he leaned down to take a sip, and as much as he wished he could ignore it, he couldn't. the pain melted into a different kind. a kind his heart was very familiar with.

benrey's boots were suddenly next to his, but gordon didn't dare look up. they burnt each other, but even boiling pain felt better than cold indifference. 

they were both born in fire, and they would both breathe their last breath in it. 

but the way benrey's lips pressed against his cheek again didn't feel scalding. it felt like something gordon reached towards. something he didn't want to admit looked like benrey. 

home.

and his mouth spoke before he did.

_"save the lovin' for later."_

***

as they approached the portal, benrey's thoughts swarmed into one.  
there will be no later.

he remembered xen. the way the power built in his ribs and blinded his vision. the game neared its end, and then it's the same cold abyss, and falling, falling for hours or maybe eternities. he doesn't know. 

he had no reason to care before. he watched various gordons destroy the nihilanth, and it felt like a boring drama you skip on the TV with a sigh.  
but the closer they got, the more foggy his mind became. 

he opened his mouth, but a familiar tint of blue colored the walls once again. benrey's blood turned to ice, before melting into deep purple poison.  
guess this fucker needed a better lesson.

benrey's sharp claws traced along gordon's arm, making his way to g-man, but they didn't pierce the suit and skin. something else was entailed in that feathery touch. he didn't look, didn't speak, but gordon understood. shivers followed benrey's fingers.  
shaking his head free of unneeded thoughts, gordon glanced at g-man and back at benrey in slight awe. 

g-man looked scared.  
such a human emotion looked surreal on him, like a flower growing on stone.  
and benrey kept inching closer and closer with every word. putting himself between gordon and g-man. they burnt each other, but wouldn't hurt. never hurt. 

and gordon wished he could look away.  
the tilt of benrey's head, the tap of his black claws against his bulletproof vest, the lighting on his face.

gordon blinks and he's sitting on the ground, watching benrey sing into the air. he doesn't know what the spheres mean yet. he doesn't know benrey yet. but benrey looks at him like he's _something._ something worth protecting.  
the memory is hazy, but the colors seeped inside his mind long ago.  
purple. green. yellow. pink and blue.

before he can turn around to see benrey's face, he blinks again.  
g-man is gone. benrey is standing there, breathing a little too heavily.

and gordon needs to see.

"benrey?"

***

benrey spins around, and as his eyes connect with gordon's, time comes to a halt once again. their heads reel and their lips part. they look and look and it's all too much.

there will be no later.

the science team's voices come to life. they walk past them, but no noise registers.

benrey knows it's wrong. everything is wrong.  
but he wouldn't have it any other way.

gordon breathes in, but benrey grabs his hand and drags him through the wall. there goes that nauseous lightheadedness. but gordon couldn't care less. benrey chokes out some teal and gordon sees they're in an office. again.

dancing consists of going in circles, swirling each other around. it consists of moving in tandem, looking, looking, looking. and gordon looks. benrey takes a step towards him, just like the first time, and his pupils are huge, dark like the night and like his claws. gordon's mind swims or what's left of it anyway because it's all been burned to ashes, to a crisp, burned with the same need that's dancing in the air, suffocating. it's too much, it's all too much, their breaths are mixing into one and benrey's hand is on his cheek, right over the burn, and hes muttering something muffled, but gordon couldn't care less, couldn't care at all.

when benrey, with those deep dark eyes and quick shallow breaths, gasps

"can I- you- I need-"

gordon can't, can't, can't-

_"please."_

no fireworks went off in gordon's head when their lips finally connected. they were nuclear explosions. wiping away all that was left.  
benrey's lips were chapped, but so were his. it was rushed, it was wrong, the force of benrey's lips, the thunk of his body against the wall. they pulled apart to suck in breaths before taking, taking, taking.  
and benrey was right. they couldn't stop, their mouths opening wider with each pass. their fire melted on each other's lips and gordon realized they never burnt each other. 

burning hurts. and it hurt, of course it hurt. but it was never because of the rising flames. it was because each time they pulled away, they wanted more. 

but there will be no later.

god knows they've been patient. benrey's teeth were as sharp as gordon imagined them to be, not like he imagined or anything. but he did, _he did._ the ground swayed beneath his feet, and it was fine, just as long as benrey kept grabbing his face like he would never touch it again. 

and then it all ended.  
teal in the air and that no longer blue hallway. 

gordon found himself leaning against the wall, trying to catch his breath. he stared at benrey, who was still holding his hand like an anchor, waiting for at least some sort of response, an explanation. what's next. but all he got was a single kiss to the palm of his bloody gloved hand and a shuddering "I'm sorry." 

click of boots against the floor and his own beating heart. and with that, gordon was alone.

he wished time would stop again. his thoughts were scrambled and his head ached with pressure. but when had he ever had time to process? his knees buckled when he clutched his hand on the rusty crowbar and walked out. bubby yelled something at him, but his eyes were trained on benrey. always on benrey.

everything was so wrong.

yet as he watched benrey look away, fingers with chipped black nail polish digging into his arms, a single thought occurred to him, replaying in his head like a broken cassette tape.

gordon was going to make this right.

he wiped his red lips with his palm, covered in old blood and marked with a kiss, watching benrey's eyes widen for just a moment.

the portal was open.

_he was going to make this right._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we did it guys  
> its the turning point WOOOOO  
> also I think gordon deserves weapons in both arms thank you very much


End file.
